Back in Sweden...

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. But after the Bobinsana ceremony things got really, REALLY intense. Not to mention the fact that I was really beginning to let go at the sanctuary and wanted to be more present in the moment than tapping away on a keyboard in front of a computer.

I think I will update this - maybe some time next week, though I can't say for sure.

Bobinsana ceremony

The ceremony started at 9pm and we all congregated in the ceremonial maloca to drink Bobinsana. Unlike the Ayahuasca ceremony setting, chairs were set up in a crescent around the center of the space with the shamans taking their usual place.

Don Rober opened up everyone’s Arcanum individually before Aisha was summoned to take the first drink. I couldn’t gauge much from her reaction but after watching a few people drink I knew the taste was pretty unexpected. Since I was last, I basically had to sit and wait and watch everyone’s different response to the brew. By the time it was coming to be my turn, the vibe in the room had completely changed and those who were some of the first to drink were becoming much livelier and there was much laughter.

It took a while for the drink to kick in for me, but once it did I felt quite relaxed and smiley. This is certainly a pleasant reintroduction to alcohol, given it’s been my first sip for over 12 months – however this type of buzz was different from the ordinary. This brew invoked a much more pleasant and positive vibe than ordinary alcohol – a happy, lovey type.

The shamans then started singing and invited everyone to join in, be it singing, humming or whistling. I closed my eyes and whistled to my hearts content – I knew the song fairly well already from the previous ceremonies so it came to me naturally. I think I whistled quite loudly actually and it felt good doing so. Another lesser known song was song which I hummed along to and then the ceremony was over! Don Rober closed our Arcanums by blowing the mopacho smoke on our heads and don Howard invited us all to go around the room to hug each other. I went straight to someone who seemed to have a difficult experienced at first, she had a hard time drinking the brew and by the time the first Icaros began she was crying heavily across the room from me. We then went around the room hugging everyone and there was a powerful sense of love and appreciation for each other. It really was a wonderful time.

And that was it. The ceremony itself seemed so, so short and over in no time but fortunately Lin invited everyone out on to the sun deck out the back of the premises where a large group of us met up, watched the stars, talked and listened to music.

The stars here are ridiculously beautiful. I basically spent most of the time laying on my back watching the amazing cosmic view.

As for the dream part – don Howard said the lucid dreaming could happen that evening or sometime next week but in actual fact, our dreams would become more present for the rest of our lives hereon in. I spent my sleep time dreaming about everyone in the group but the odd part was is that I kept waking up after each person, thinking to myself, “I’m dreaming. The Bobinsana works” and then falling back to sleep. Bizarre.

Bobinsana plant next to the ceremonial maloca

Day 7: Visiting local Yahuas tribe

View from hammock

Today after breakfast the time literally flew. It felt like I had just gone back to my room before people were summoning myself and Shannon for lunch. We ate lunch and then don Howard told us to get ready to visit local tribespeople at 3:15pm. I have no idea what happened to the day. At all. It seems surreal how quickly the day flew past.

We took the boat upstream, in another direction form the Boras tribe where they community was awaiting us. The tribesleader introduced himself and his tribe and thanked us for coming to visit them. They performed a little dance, and included us in it with them. Afterwards we each took turns shooting hunting darts at a wooden parrot on one end of the maloca. Can I just point out that a) The girls did better than the boys: and b) perhaps most importantly, I hit the target dead on in the middle (twice!) and Niklas did not.

Then it was time to look at and buy crafts, which was pretty intense since everyone including the children is good at the hustle. There were piranha head necklaces, anaconda skin sticks, blowing darts, instruments and a wild array of absolutely beautiful jewellery. I didn’t really buy much but I swapped a few things here and there and was somewhat dismayed at the clothes I brought at how winter appropriate they were. It’s pretty darn hot here, but not intolerable and the humidity fluctuates quite greatly. At the moment I am swaying in a hammock with shorts, sleeveless top and no shoes and the weather is absolutely perfect.

I asked don Howard if I could have a debrief with him and don Rober sometime to discuss last nights events in detail and hopefully that will be arranged soon. My rational mind is going crazy in trying to make sense out of this but it’s completely impossible. I just need to accept that instead of trying to make sense of it, to just process it and retain whatever knowledge gained from the experience.

Dinner is in five minutes and then at 9pm we have the Bobinsana ceremony. From what I’ve been told by some of the others, the Bobinsana drink consists of the Bobinsasa plant, moonshine and wild honey. It’ said to induce a dreamlike state so I am indeed looking very much forward to it. The ceremony will be much more lighthearted than the Ayahuasca ceremonies and I think singing and dancing is even encouraged. That said, tomorrow is another Ayahuasca ceremony followed another one the night after. Then we have a day off on Thursday and it’s time to leave on Friday. I really, really don’t want to leave here.

Third Ayahuasca Ceremony

As obnoxious as it sounds, I had previously referred to myself as an Agnostic Atheist. Now, I can wholeheartedly and proudly say I have "converted" to Agnostic - whatever the hell that even means.

I basically had no visions whatsoever, other than maybe some eye wobbles and distorted vision (both open and closed eye). There was, however, one point while my eyes were closed I saw a light so bright I literally had to shield my eyes from it (despite them being closed).

Then I just traveled deep within me. I watched some of the very traumatic experiences from my life like a movie. Fortunately, Mother had filled me with much love and strength so I was able to watch through these visions and did so without any awful emotions. It was rather liberating.

Flower Bath

I also felt a profound sense of love and admiration for everyone else who was in the room, and for how brave we all were to be doing this. I became (and still am) so immensely appreciative of this unique and special opportunity that I almost started making a mental list of friends who I know need this and should come here. I am just so grateful that I am able to do this and be here, since there are a lot of people who really need to and would benefit from this greatly. I then reflected on some of the negative aspects of my social circle and why they bother me, and the lesson I got there was that I just have to let it go and let it be (John 's Lennon's 'Let It Be' even played briefly in my head).

I'm not too sure if I'm going to share what happened next. At least not yet, since it's very personal and I'm still very rattled by it and trying to process it but it's written down in my notebook so if I'm up for it I might share it later. What happened to me was like nothing I have ever experienced, or am likely to experience again, and was by far the most intense thing to have ever happened to me in my life. Sorry to make out like I'm trying to be being super cryptic or mysterious or anything - believe me, I'm not.

Day 6: Mapacho Ceremony

The vibe here is so incredibly relaxing. We have loose time-frames of when we will do things or meet up but there is no urgency or strictness kept to anything. That’s been incredibly enjoyable and also relaxing, I feel like only now am I really beginning to let go of all the tension. Maybe that’s why I can sleep better.

After breakfast and conversation, we made our way down a path through the forest and to an open space where don Rober, his wife and don Howard initiated the Mapacho ceremony. I found this to be quite intense and found myself having similar thoughts to what I was thinking in the second ceremony. After the ceremony was a period of long silence where we all just listened to the sound of the Amazon, it was a really beautiful time.

The sun made quite a lengthy appearance today, which was nice but also made things rather hot and steamy. The moisture in the air here is very consistent and things don’t really dry – if anything, things become moist. My notebook, for example, has become slightly soggy since coming here and I've kept it in my room the entire time.

After lunch I napped briefly in my room and then we met again to discuss tonight’s ceremony. I was called over by don Howard and don Rober who asked me to participate in an additional healing ceremony tonight during the main ceremony. Myself and two other people will go to the center of the Moloca on a special mat where the shamans will purify and cleanse us especially. I don’t know what to expect. I’m trying not to think about it.

It’s almost 6pm now and the ceremony will begin in three and a half hours – I’m going to watch the sunset and prepare for tonight.

Day 5: Day Off

We didn't really do much today, which was nice. After breakfast I hung about by myself in a hammock for a while and then headed back into our room and slept for a while - I feel like I'm really beginning to regenerate here. Drinking lots of tea, urinating a lot and sleeping all while the sounds of the jungle take place around us. Speaking of which, I haven't listened to music since I got here because I really don't feel the need to - why would I when there's the chirping of some obscure bird, the cackle of some parrots and constant hum of hundreds and thousands of insects.

After sleeping for a few hours I woke up to have lunch. We all sat around conversing (and can I just say the conversations here have been amazing) until it was time to go to the meeting space to share our experiences with one another. It was very interesting to hear how completely different everyone's experience was from the first ceremony - there really is no predicting with Mother Ayahuasca which further perpetuates the notion of total submission and letting go. Don't expect. Just be.

Our sharing time took quite a while until it was time to be summoned for dinner. Despite having slept in this morning, I felt tired and left for bed soon after dinner. It sort of feels like my body is really catching up on the sleep I haven't had for months, if not years. I suppose when the hardest decision you have to make here is what flavour tea to drink, it's pretty easy to let go and relax. The down time is very much needed for the ceremonies, which are intense and hard work.

Second Ayahuasca Ceremony

At first there were some mild visuals and then I was shown some scenes from the film, Samsara – specifically the scene where there are custom-made coffins and a family was mourning at the funeral of a young man who was lying in a coffin shaped like a gun. I was then shown another scene from the film which was a dead child in the coffin. I remember saying to myself that I am obsessed with death, which is something I am already all too aware of.

After that, more or less, the visuals more or less completely ceased and I spent the remainder of the time in a strange state of hypnogogue. Although I felt like I was in a dream-like state I kept coming back/returning to the maloca any time I heard a noise, which made me very irritable. I think I became very sensitized to noise and it was irritating me, basically everything and anything. The best way to describe it was that it felt like I was being constantly woken up all the time so I felt grumpy at whatever the cause was – I even became irritated by the Icaros.

Another strange thing I noticed was some kind of sinister energy within the maloca – at first I thought it might have been because I was so irritable but after speaking with Lin she said she sensed it as well. Later on during sharing time, I learned that other people had been disturbed by someone in the group singing along (outloud) with the Icaros which had bothered them greatly. Perhaps in some weird way I was picking up on their energy? Or maybe I was just receptive to receiving negative energy because I became annoyed at the start of the ceremony that I could hear someone’s phone beeping outside in their room?

Overall, during the dreamstate I was mainly entrenched in deep thought but there’s nothing I can really recall of any significance right now. The thoughts seemed quite non-sensical so I’m not going to bother trying to digest them now and wait until time helps me process them instead.

I’m not sure if this experience was a lesson in and of itself but more than likely since I have had anger management issues since I was young, plus I’m also impatient. I think this ceremony helped me realize that everything is not about me all the time and sometimes I am here simply to exist in the here and now for other people and hold the space for them. That just because I wasn’t having some sort of deep and profound visual experience, it didn’t mean the ceremony had gone to waste – I was still there to hold the circle for everyone else in the group who was having their own time.

On a side note, during the second seal of this ceremony it was interesting to note that I hadn’t even noticed what was happening. Don Rober and Carlos had taken me completely by surprise and by the time they reached me, I was lying flat on my back with my blanket over my head. Instead of hitting me on the head with the ceremonial plants to chant the Icaros, Carlos hit my chest instead. What’s interesting is, is that during the first ceremony I had a hood over my head and I can’t help but feel that there is (or was) something resisting the second seal. As if by putting my hood on or blanket over me there is still some barrier between myself and the shaman – albeit an arbitrary one.  I suppose it is also in some way significant of the barriers I place between myself and allowing to be healed. For the next ceremony I intend to have no barrier over me at all.

I more or less fell asleep straight away as soon as I got to bed. I left a very short while after the candle was lit again. Not before I fell asleep did I hear one of the members of the group screaming and moaning in the maloca – she obviously had a lot of emotional purging to be done so I was rooting for her to let it all out.

I woke up reasonably early in the morning and went straight to drink the limonada and have the floral bath. Today it was actually rather refreshing and pleasant and I have had the Icaros they sung me in my head for most of the day, which is nice in itself.

After breakfast I went back to bed and fell asleep again.

Day 4: Visiting local Boras tribe

Today after breakfast a group of us decided to go for a walk on a path through the jungle out the back of the sanctuary but literally just as we decided it started to rain. It rains everyday here and as the old saying goes, when it rains it pours. This was nice anyway since we all sat around chatting and drinking tea. The one annoying thing about all this wetness and humidity is the mosquito's, as I type this I am scratching my foot with my other foot and then swapping since I have bites on both. And not to mention the rest of my body.



After lunch we all headed down the windy river to a local native community called Boras. We received an introduction from the chief and then we each had our faces painted. The tribe then performed some dances for us, and got us all involved as well.

Following the dancing we all walked around looking at and buying crafts. I was bedazzled by the children since they are SO cute however it was mighty difficult trying to squeeze one in my pocket. I traded some lipstick for a pair of earrings and a t-shirt for a necklace, as well as buying things with money.

The sun made an appearance upon our arrival back at the Sanctuary and we sat around talking, before don Howard ran us through the basics again in preparation for the events tonight. We also have a new addition, Anthony, who arrived late yesterday due to cancelled flights so this will be his first Ayahuasca experience. It will be interesting to hear how he goes.

Don Howard also reminded us that our sensitivity to Ayahuasca will now be higher, and the brew will be more potent since it will have aged. Well...here goes nothing.

Day 3: Day Off

Ayahuasca vines

We didn’t really do too much today, which was exactly what was needed. After our flower bath we all had breakfast, conversation and then lazed around until lunch time. After lunch most people took walks, lay around in hammocks or retreated to their rooms. I’m not sure what I was doing, I think I just sat around outside listening to the Amazon and trying to process the night before, grateful that there wouldn’t be another ceremony tonight.

At 4:30pm, everybody met at the meeting place where don Howard introduced the talking stick to us. He then passed it on to the person to his left and the stories began. Even though I’d heard most of them before at breakfast, it was still great to hear the experiences other people had during their Ayahuasca journey, there was much sadness, tears, laughter but the most common theme I picked up from everyone was a profound sense of humbling. This plant brew really has the ability to ground and humble you – and not in a negative way but in a very enlightening and respectful way. Things are put into perspective and you realize how much the sum of the parts do not necessarily make up a whole.

 

Roof of the molocca

I then sat around with three other very cool Australian girls who each traveled here individually and don Howard came and spoke to us for a little while where we discussed the various poisonous religions of the world. Dinner wasn’t a long one since I think most people were tired and wanted to get a good nights rest for tomorrow’s ceremony.



I’m trying not to be too apprehensive about tomorrow’s ceremony, but I am. Our brew will be much stronger and much viler today so it will be interesting to see how the night unfolds. In a strange way, I’m looking forward to purging again since I feel that it helped. What exactly it helped but it certainly helped something. Overall there has been a shift in my consciousness, nothing overtly obvious but just noticeable in the way I think and feel.

Where you go to receive your cup. Shamans chairs in the background

My spot inside the molocca for the first ceremony

First Ayahuasca Ceremony

Minutes prior to Ayahuasca

Imagine trying to explain the infinite cosmos to a three year old. You can point at the stars and say, “Up there” and the child will think it understands. And in many ways, the infant will have the general idea or principle behind what you're saying but their comprehension levels are virtually null and void in comparison to what you are really trying to explain. The fact of the matter is, is you're not quite so sure yourself.

That’s sort of what trying to explain a journey with Ayahuasca is like. Words could not and would not serve even the slightest justice to the experience since the journey itself took place in dimensions totally alien to human intellect. How do you explain to someone who is only familiar with the limited sphere of the human condition things that are so utterly foreign they lack the vocabulary for explanation? Dr Rick Strassman describes DMT as the spirit molecule and only now can I truly understand and appreciate precisely what he means.

After our final debriefing at 4:30pm, we each had free time of our own to regenerate before the ceremony at 9:30pm. I tried to take a nap since being completely rested is of importance to the whole process but naturally I was feeling pretty anxious about what was about to take place. I think I snoozed for a little while until the alarm went off and it was time to get ready. We each adorned ourselves with light coloured clothing and made our way into the ceremonial malocca where I did a few yoga stretches and poses and tried to breathe away any excess anticipation.

Once everyone had gathered and the shamans made their way in, it was time to begin. Don Rober opened the ceremony with an introduction about himself, how he was trained by his Grandfather and uncles, and how unlike some other places in the vicinity they worked with Ayahuasca in a purely healing way.  He then went to each person (there was an outer circle and inner circle of people inside the molocca) and performed a song to each to create a protective spiritual “bubble” to prevent any negative or maleficent entities from disturbing us in the healing process (protecting our Arcanum).

Following which, it was time to begin. We started from the outer circle and everyone took their turns going up to stand before the altar and shamans who would, upon looking at us, determine how much brew would be poured for each person’s cup. Finally when my turn came around, my heart started beating in my stomach and it was barely manageable to contain my nerves, walk to the centre of the molocca and try to stay in the moment. The cup handed to me was almost completely full and, after watching most other people drink it down quickly, I took heed to do the same myself. I tried not to let it sit in my cheeks and just poured it down my throat and swallowed quickly. It took a few gulps to get it down, and actually it wasn’t that bad (however we’ve all been warned that this would be the last time we say that), but I got it down rather quickly to have it over with.

Once everyone had consumed the brew, the shamans starting chanting the Icaros and the candles were blown out. We were all in complete darkness, in the Amazon jungle, with nothing but the natural sounds of the jungle singing the soundtrack to our lives. I could sense the feeling that we were all waiting; waiting for the first person to purge and eventually, like clockwork, the first person who drunk the brew (Aisha) was the first person to purge (though the rest didn’t follow in sequential order). Aisha's purge was quite relentless and when she struggled with it at first I just kept trying to send vibes to her to release it all out.

After a while, more or less everyone in the room was purging at random intervals. It was pretty insane to be sitting in a room with people I had just met and hearing them all vomit into their own “official don Rober approved" vomit buckets, but it wasn’t a bad feeling at all. In fact, in some strange way it was comforting and I felt good knowing the medicine was beginning to work for my newly aquired brothers and sisters.

It took a very long time for me to purge actually and it felt like I was one of the last people who did. It didn’t happen until after I called out the magickal secret word of the ceremony, “Bano!” (bathroom/toilet in Spanish). Prior to that point I had just been listening to everyone around me purge and I started to wonder if the medicine was to work on me at all. An assistant retrieved me and gently took me by the shoulder towards my room (which was literally a few meters away) but it was there that I bumped into Niklas who himself was looking far worse for wear and being directed to the room. I took our neighbours (Shannon and Lin's) room and only passed liquid however as I made my way back into the molocca I suddenly felt very queasy, I only just managed to make it back to my mattress in time to sink down on my knees and virtually fall into my bucket where the purge didn’t come easily but it came out.

The Icaros started again and I just lay back on the mattress and closed my eyes. At first I only started seeing patterns and shapes in various psychedelic colours – not so strong at first but then it started to change into dimensions of the nonsensical. The next few hours are the hardest to explain but it wasn’t especially visual – I just went deep down inside myself and flickers of my life were passing before my closed eyes. Before I knew it I heard someone crying very loudly and only a while later did I realize that the person crying was actually me. It was a very primitive, very primordial sort of weeping - coming from a very deep and very dark place within me but it was total catharsis. I’m not sure how long I cried for before I felt a multitude of loving hands gently stroking my head and shoulders and face and I heard don Howard say to me, “Calm” three times before I just suddenly stopped. The overwhelming sensation of love I was being filled with from everyone in the room had literally helped me stop and I lay back down again. Later on today Niklas told me the sound of my crying sound like the single most worst thing he had ever heard in his life and someone else told me that the crying sounded like it came from a very deep place. I feel self-conscious and guilty about it since I really didn't nor do want to interrupt or inflict disturbance on the others so I need to try and sort that out.

There’s no other way to describe the experience that happened next but I suppose it was like a type of internal hard-drive defragmenting. I could feel something, or someone (Mother Ayahuasca) going through my life and wounds and taking in each thing for herself, as if analyzing what she had to work with. At the same time there was a abundant sense of healing and love and emotion. The Icaros vibrated at different intervals throughout the ceremony, and it felt like they began and ended at just the right time.

After the “defragmenting” part I think I experienced what is known as total ego-death (also known as 'The Little Death'). I had completely vanished from my own consciousness and self-being and into the boundless vibration of energy where space, time, matter and everything in between are all connected. Is this what death is? Is this where we go after we die? Do we join that universal consciousness I’ve always read about and only known about until now? I wasn’t Emily any more - “I” and any concept of myself had completely evaporated into that which was, is and always shall be.

When I started coming to again, I kept having to remind myself that I was me again. I was overcome and humbled to so much, with great respect for the plant, the shamans, the Amazon – and immersed in a great sense of love and compassion. I even cried quietly to myself again over the destruction of the Amazon taking place on a daily basis and I even sent a reminder to my future self that as soon as I return, to donate money to an Amazon conservation cause again. At one point I found I had to purge again and it was difficult to find my bucket but I think I made it in time. I also started to think about the people I love in my life and how wonderful they are and eventually I slowly felt like I was fully coming to again. Don Rober and his son performed a closing Icaros (closing our Arcanum) to each person individually again all the way around the circles.

Don Howard lit a candle and what felt like the precisely right moment. We all sat around in silence and most likely everyone was just absorbing what had happened to them. It took a while to process these thoughts and feelings before I felt ready to leave back into my room.

I didn’t really sleep much after that, just much tossing and turning but perhaps an hour or two of sleep. This morning we each went for our flower baths, which signified the actual closing of the ceremony. Up until that point, the ceremony was ongoing throughout the night. We lined outside an outdoor wash area where don Rober and his wife had large buckets of water filled with flowers waiting for us. They then marked my forehead and chest with a cross-like shape and poured the water over my entire body as I sat in a chair. The water felt very cold and it was quite a shock to the system but it was also invigorating – they sung more Icaros to me and then I left for breakfast.

Everybody basically spent the entire morning talking about their experience which had varied quite wildly from person to person. Today is our day off and we’re going to have lunch soon. Afterwards we will have a debrief meeting to discuss everything and then I suppose dinner will shortly follow. Recuperation is much needed right now.

Day 2: Preparation for first Ayahuasca ceremony

Wow. Just wow. Last night we all convened in the main meeting area where we each started preparing the Ayahuasca brew that we will later consume. We started off by meeting the other three Maestro’s of Ayahuasca and as we were given three of the primary active plant ingredients and a bowl, don Howard explained each of the plants properties and their role in the Ayahuasca brew. We each had to break up and mulch the leaves as finely as possible until our hands were green and, as don Howard said, we could smell green too. Safe to say, I know exactly what green smells like now.

Afterwards we each took a turn at hammering down on the Ayahuasca vine to split it open in preparation to be brewed the next day (today). It is a sturdy vine and it smells like nature, if that makes sense. I should also mention that as it was getting dark the sounds became noticeably different to the sounds we hear during the day. The nocturnal creatures of the Amazon…well no, I take that back. All creatures of the Amazon sound amazing.

After listening to don Howard discuss Ayahuasca, healing and shamanism at great length we could ask some questions before we made our way to dinner. The food here is still in accordance with La Dieta but it is hearty, yummy and filling. During dinner time most of us discussed our trepidations and anticipations but the overall vibe was very positive and encouraging. Everyone I’ve met and talked with so far seems to be on the same page and I can’t get over how impressed I am at the people I’ve met. Definitely lifers right there.

After dinner there was much conversation and then time for bed. I pretty much crashed straight away but not before putting ear plugs in and an eye mask. Fortunately I did since the birds who appear to wake at dusk were going absolutely wild and I missed the whole thing. One thing I should mention though is when I went to the bathroom at around 3:30-4amish…it was pitch black. I’ve never been in such darkness before! Not a street light or lamp or ANYTHING in sight…in was a pure, pitch black.

During breakfast this morning as we sat out on the front veranda overlooking the river, there was a lovely tropical rain that was eerily silent and just a pleasure to witness. Shortly thereafter we made our way out into the “kitchen” which was a brief walk away from the main part of the sanctuary, through the jungle where there was an open hut and chairs waiting for us. There was a brew boiling over a fire where the leading Maestro (don Rober), his wife who is a Maestro in Bobinsana and their son who just completed his shamans apprenticeship and was working towards Maestro (they will all be conducting the ceremony tonight) had prepared the area for us. As we all huddled under the hut since it was still pleasantly raining outside, don Howard begun to explain to us the misuse and sacred use of the tobacco plant, its role in shamanism and how we were going to use it. We were each given a cigarro (a thick cigarette-like roll with Amazonian black tobacco in it) and given instructions on how to use it, i.e. don’t smoke it.

 We took a mouthful of smoke in our mouths and blew it out in a specific manner in each direction around us (similar to a banishing ritual/LBRP  for those who might know), to the ground (earth), to the sky (spirits) and then towards ourselves. After this, it was time to add in the plant leaves we had all mixed up the night before into the boiling cauldron that was simmering over the fire. He gave some of us extra plant extracts that to add (in noticeably fewer quantities) and he showed us to blow the smoke on plants before adding it to the cauldron. We then each took some of the leaf mulch from the night before, blew smoke on it, added it into the cauldron and finally ourselves blew smoke into the cauldron to add a little part of us too. I didn’t really take any pictures during this time because it was a time of great reverence – we were all asked to focus on the now and our intentions and put that energy into what we were doing.

Once we completed that, don Howard and his Maestro blew smoke on each of us individually (sort of like a blessing). It was then time for them to sing ceremonial songs (Icaros) to us, another time of great reverence and meditation. During this time, I (and I think most others) closed their eyes and simply listened to their singing while occasionally taking a mouthful of cigarro puff. During the first song I started weeping profusely – it’s really difficult to explain why but I was just overwhelmed with emotions and obviously overwhelmed at everything that is happening. This is intense. This whole experience is really, really intense and I haven’t even taken Ayahuasca yet.

I suppose I was crying because I was just so immersed in their singing and I realized how pure it was. It sounded so ancient and so beautiful that I become beyond grateful that I am fortunate to have this incredible experience. They were tears of profound joy but also of profound sadness.

We were then blessed again and listened to don Howard talk some more until it was lunch. Lunch out on the front veranda and more conversation about our experience tonight. Lunch was our final meal for the day so we ate heartily. We will have a light snack very soon and then I think it’s another workshop. Our first Ayahuasca ceremony is tonight at 9:30 and I’m uh…yeah. I’m all the emotions, really. But I’m ready for it.

Day 1: Welcome to the Jungle

Well…we’re here. And I still can’t believe it. In all honesty, since we arrived in Iquitos this morning I feel like I’ve been tripping balls because –well, I’m in the Amazon jungle. I’m in the jungle – one of the most sacred, ancient and mystical places on this planet and my two feet are planted on its soil.

I don’t think I ever realized how much the Amazon meant to me until today, really. It’s so other-wordly, so naturally indifferent, so differently natural. All of the strange sounds and scapes I would watch over and over again in one of my all-time favourite films Aguirre: Wrath of God are all in front of my undeserving eyes and ears. I am humbled and in awe.

Long story short, we woke up at 5:15 to get to Lima airport at 6:00. We met up with our newly acquainted Irish friend (Scott) again and waited together to board the plane. Already I had my suspicions as to who of the other passengers were going on the retreat and as we boarded the plane, I took a deep breath and said goodbye to civilisation as I know it. Gods was that a great feeling. That sense of returning to nature, to reality and putting the mundane behind me. It’s so so good to be here. I can’t emphasize that enough.

The weird thing about our plane trip was that it was rather much like a bus ride – we stopped at another city first to drop off and pick up some new passengers before finally descending on Iquitos. The majority of our group was on that plane and we were all convened and summoned together by some locals and taken to our bus and don Howard who was waiting for us outside. He greeted each of us individually with a big smile and hug and he felt warm. He felt right.

The bus trip to the boat took about half an hour or so until we reached a little coastal town. There is poverty everywhere but there was also much happiness. I think about four or five people waved to me/us on the bus – some elderly gentleman even danced a jig for us as we were waiting at a set of lights. I’ve also decided I want to steal a small Peruvian child since they are the cutest little things I ever did see.

As we were waiting for our boats in the coastal town, I spied some ridiculously delicious looking delicacies the local were cooking (which of course we can’t eat) but they were indeed exotic and unfamiliar. Oh and the bananas here are the size of my forearm, or maybe even larger.

 

We boarded three separate boats and made our way down a windy river path through the jungle. I was so ecstatic to be in such surroundings – written words could never do justice to the immense and intense beauty that this place holds. It’s like everything I ever imagined, but multiplied because the beauty here isn’t just aesthetic, isn’t just aural – it’s a feeling.

Finally we arrived to the Spirit Quest Sanctuary and I think everyone was dumbstruck at what we saw. The website in NO WAY shape or form adequately represents what this place really looks like. I only took a few pictures because we have since had lunch and brief introductions and orientation but I’m sure more pictures of the place will follow. 

We’ve been served a yummy lunch consisting of all organic fruit and vegetables, fish and rice harvested from the local area and already made some pretty fantastic friends. I’ve even met a cannabis farmer from California and I can’t wait for who else is going to come out of the woodwork.

We are currently all on a quick break and have retreated to our rooms for now to reconvene in an hour after which I believe we will have a small workshop where don Howard is going to introduce us to the plants and…how to make Ayahuasca. I still can’t believe this is happening but the bizarre bird, insect and animals calls I hear outside in the area keep reinforcing this is true.

We're Here Because We're Here

I'm going to keep this short and sweet since my brain is running on super low right now. Waking up at 3am to catch a 6am flight is a bastard. Of course that flight was to Amsterdam for a 4 hour layover and of course La Dieta prevents one from indulging in what vices Amsterdam has to offer, so the journey has not been a pleasant one.

The flight from Amsterdam to Lima took 13 hours and we couldn't even eat any salads the plane had to offer because they were all covered with dressing. So, for this 13 hour flight all we had to eat was banana and nuts. I couldn't even have a Soda water because it had salt in it. Hail.

We are now in a hotel room waiting for someone to deliver boiled vegetables to our room. I swear to the gods above and below, I am going to eat a small portion of the rainforest once we arrive at the retreat tomorrow. Every time I see or smell food (which has been MUCH more than usual the past few days) I groan - just looking at the word 'Pizza' or 'Pasta' is enough to make me shudder and look away.It's amazing how much one takes flavour and taste for granted.

My freakish intuition has struck again. While at the airport, the person in front of me at the ATM queue was having difficulty getting money out. After briefly sharing our woes over the issue, I looked at him and said, "You're going to Spirit Quest. Aren't you?" And indeed he is. Don't ask me how or why out of the hundreds and hundreds of people at the airport I knew he was one of "us" but I just knew. He seems like a really nice guy and definitely someone to look forward to having on this special retreat.

As for Lima the city. Well, it's nighttime here so not much can be said about the sights but in some ways it is a tragic place. A visible war of cultures both struggling for the soul of the Peruvian people - hideous neon lights flashing betwixt Inca statues and crumbling Catholic relics. Gawdy Adidas and Billabong shirts tainting the beautiful faces and skin of very obviously indigenous people. Collapsing structures blowing age-old dust on to busload after busload of tourists. These are strange times for the mind and soul.

No photo's taken as yet. Early bedtime tonight since it's another early morning start tomorrow for our flight to Iquitos. Next stop: Amazon Jungle.

Preparations

Other than the obvious, i.e. being mindful not to pack your Cannibal Holocaust shirt for your Amazon trip, there are also a lot of mental and emotional preparations involved for such a venture.

First of all, you might notice that I'm not calling this a vacation - this is simply because it's not. This is actually going to be a lot of psychic hard work.

Unfortunately I'm feeling pretty uninspired and weak and anxious right now to keep writing but I thought I'd cut out an excerpt from what our Shaman has written to us, since I think it's a pretty good explanation of what is to be prepared for:

INTENTION

Serious healing and consciousness work with Ayahuasca begins with the formulation and cultivation of a sincere personal intention.  Ideally one's intention should be far-reaching and results-oriented  rather than merely experience-centered or goal-oriented.   Think of your 'intention' as a mission statement for your life.

So, my friends, bring your best to this work ... your integrity, your commitment, a bit of courage, a dash of faith, and most importantly ... love and compassion for yourself and others.  Universal love is the foundation of core shamanic principle and practice at its highest levels.   If you do this, then you'll realize deep holistic cleansing, healing, transformation and empowerment in the most personal of ways ... remarkably exactly what you need.  As the adage goes ... "be careful what you ask for, for you just might get it!"

VISIONS

Although visions are the most often discussed aspect of the Ayahuasca experience, they actually are not the greatest gift of the medicine or necessarily the most important aspect of your work.  Visions are a medium of profound, often ineffable communication, but they are not the only way in which these plants heal and teach.

True visions are NOT the same as hallucinations because they have deeper metaphoric or literal meaning and are not illusory.  Hallucinations are a construct of the mind and the imagination.

Visions are divine revelations from the consciousness of the heart.  Ayahuasca does not automatically bring visions to everyone at the same time or pace.  They are a visual means by which a mystical consciousness greater than our own communicates with us beyond the ordinary limitations of the intellect.   Ayahuasca is a holistic medicine which communicates far more through the opening of the heart than through the mind.

Some of you may have powerful, vivid and dramatic experiences right away, although the content and intensity will certainly vary from ceremony to ceremony.  Others of you may have less intensive visionary experiences or sometimes none at all.  If this is the case be patient and don't jump to premature conclusions. This is simply the nature of Ayahuasca and reflects its unique interaction with each individual's personality, biochemistry, and collective life experience.  This is an aspect of Ayahuasca that is difficult to explain, but is rooted in its unique ability to penetrate the psyche and soul of each person in the manner most appropriate for their needs.

Ayahuasca, bobinsana, and Huachuma are not drugs.  They are whole plant medicines with a wide range of holistic healing and teaching qualities. Their primary function is not to induce but to reveal.  Such revelations require a sufficient degree of purification and concentration to realize the fullest benefits.  We will guide you in this process.  The more one is able to set aside western paradigm, conventional "logic",  and fully surrender the control mandate to a higher power, the sooner one realizes a deep and powerful connection with the Great Consciousness of which we are all a part.