First Ayahuasca Ceremony

Minutes prior to Ayahuasca

Imagine trying to explain the infinite cosmos to a three year old. You can point at the stars and say, “Up there” and the child will think it understands. And in many ways, the infant will have the general idea or principle behind what you're saying but their comprehension levels are virtually null and void in comparison to what you are really trying to explain. The fact of the matter is, is you're not quite so sure yourself.

That’s sort of what trying to explain a journey with Ayahuasca is like. Words could not and would not serve even the slightest justice to the experience since the journey itself took place in dimensions totally alien to human intellect. How do you explain to someone who is only familiar with the limited sphere of the human condition things that are so utterly foreign they lack the vocabulary for explanation? Dr Rick Strassman describes DMT as the spirit molecule and only now can I truly understand and appreciate precisely what he means.

After our final debriefing at 4:30pm, we each had free time of our own to regenerate before the ceremony at 9:30pm. I tried to take a nap since being completely rested is of importance to the whole process but naturally I was feeling pretty anxious about what was about to take place. I think I snoozed for a little while until the alarm went off and it was time to get ready. We each adorned ourselves with light coloured clothing and made our way into the ceremonial malocca where I did a few yoga stretches and poses and tried to breathe away any excess anticipation.

Once everyone had gathered and the shamans made their way in, it was time to begin. Don Rober opened the ceremony with an introduction about himself, how he was trained by his Grandfather and uncles, and how unlike some other places in the vicinity they worked with Ayahuasca in a purely healing way.  He then went to each person (there was an outer circle and inner circle of people inside the molocca) and performed a song to each to create a protective spiritual “bubble” to prevent any negative or maleficent entities from disturbing us in the healing process (protecting our Arcanum).

Following which, it was time to begin. We started from the outer circle and everyone took their turns going up to stand before the altar and shamans who would, upon looking at us, determine how much brew would be poured for each person’s cup. Finally when my turn came around, my heart started beating in my stomach and it was barely manageable to contain my nerves, walk to the centre of the molocca and try to stay in the moment. The cup handed to me was almost completely full and, after watching most other people drink it down quickly, I took heed to do the same myself. I tried not to let it sit in my cheeks and just poured it down my throat and swallowed quickly. It took a few gulps to get it down, and actually it wasn’t that bad (however we’ve all been warned that this would be the last time we say that), but I got it down rather quickly to have it over with.

Once everyone had consumed the brew, the shamans starting chanting the Icaros and the candles were blown out. We were all in complete darkness, in the Amazon jungle, with nothing but the natural sounds of the jungle singing the soundtrack to our lives. I could sense the feeling that we were all waiting; waiting for the first person to purge and eventually, like clockwork, the first person who drunk the brew (Aisha) was the first person to purge (though the rest didn’t follow in sequential order). Aisha's purge was quite relentless and when she struggled with it at first I just kept trying to send vibes to her to release it all out.

After a while, more or less everyone in the room was purging at random intervals. It was pretty insane to be sitting in a room with people I had just met and hearing them all vomit into their own “official don Rober approved" vomit buckets, but it wasn’t a bad feeling at all. In fact, in some strange way it was comforting and I felt good knowing the medicine was beginning to work for my newly aquired brothers and sisters.

It took a very long time for me to purge actually and it felt like I was one of the last people who did. It didn’t happen until after I called out the magickal secret word of the ceremony, “Bano!” (bathroom/toilet in Spanish). Prior to that point I had just been listening to everyone around me purge and I started to wonder if the medicine was to work on me at all. An assistant retrieved me and gently took me by the shoulder towards my room (which was literally a few meters away) but it was there that I bumped into Niklas who himself was looking far worse for wear and being directed to the room. I took our neighbours (Shannon and Lin's) room and only passed liquid however as I made my way back into the molocca I suddenly felt very queasy, I only just managed to make it back to my mattress in time to sink down on my knees and virtually fall into my bucket where the purge didn’t come easily but it came out.

The Icaros started again and I just lay back on the mattress and closed my eyes. At first I only started seeing patterns and shapes in various psychedelic colours – not so strong at first but then it started to change into dimensions of the nonsensical. The next few hours are the hardest to explain but it wasn’t especially visual – I just went deep down inside myself and flickers of my life were passing before my closed eyes. Before I knew it I heard someone crying very loudly and only a while later did I realize that the person crying was actually me. It was a very primitive, very primordial sort of weeping - coming from a very deep and very dark place within me but it was total catharsis. I’m not sure how long I cried for before I felt a multitude of loving hands gently stroking my head and shoulders and face and I heard don Howard say to me, “Calm” three times before I just suddenly stopped. The overwhelming sensation of love I was being filled with from everyone in the room had literally helped me stop and I lay back down again. Later on today Niklas told me the sound of my crying sound like the single most worst thing he had ever heard in his life and someone else told me that the crying sounded like it came from a very deep place. I feel self-conscious and guilty about it since I really didn't nor do want to interrupt or inflict disturbance on the others so I need to try and sort that out.

There’s no other way to describe the experience that happened next but I suppose it was like a type of internal hard-drive defragmenting. I could feel something, or someone (Mother Ayahuasca) going through my life and wounds and taking in each thing for herself, as if analyzing what she had to work with. At the same time there was a abundant sense of healing and love and emotion. The Icaros vibrated at different intervals throughout the ceremony, and it felt like they began and ended at just the right time.

After the “defragmenting” part I think I experienced what is known as total ego-death (also known as 'The Little Death'). I had completely vanished from my own consciousness and self-being and into the boundless vibration of energy where space, time, matter and everything in between are all connected. Is this what death is? Is this where we go after we die? Do we join that universal consciousness I’ve always read about and only known about until now? I wasn’t Emily any more - “I” and any concept of myself had completely evaporated into that which was, is and always shall be.

When I started coming to again, I kept having to remind myself that I was me again. I was overcome and humbled to so much, with great respect for the plant, the shamans, the Amazon – and immersed in a great sense of love and compassion. I even cried quietly to myself again over the destruction of the Amazon taking place on a daily basis and I even sent a reminder to my future self that as soon as I return, to donate money to an Amazon conservation cause again. At one point I found I had to purge again and it was difficult to find my bucket but I think I made it in time. I also started to think about the people I love in my life and how wonderful they are and eventually I slowly felt like I was fully coming to again. Don Rober and his son performed a closing Icaros (closing our Arcanum) to each person individually again all the way around the circles.

Don Howard lit a candle and what felt like the precisely right moment. We all sat around in silence and most likely everyone was just absorbing what had happened to them. It took a while to process these thoughts and feelings before I felt ready to leave back into my room.

I didn’t really sleep much after that, just much tossing and turning but perhaps an hour or two of sleep. This morning we each went for our flower baths, which signified the actual closing of the ceremony. Up until that point, the ceremony was ongoing throughout the night. We lined outside an outdoor wash area where don Rober and his wife had large buckets of water filled with flowers waiting for us. They then marked my forehead and chest with a cross-like shape and poured the water over my entire body as I sat in a chair. The water felt very cold and it was quite a shock to the system but it was also invigorating – they sung more Icaros to me and then I left for breakfast.

Everybody basically spent the entire morning talking about their experience which had varied quite wildly from person to person. Today is our day off and we’re going to have lunch soon. Afterwards we will have a debrief meeting to discuss everything and then I suppose dinner will shortly follow. Recuperation is much needed right now.