Expectations

I'm trying not to have any. I had two options before deciding to venture on this trip:

1. Read up as much information about Ayahuasca and shamanism as I possibly could or;
2. Keep myself relatively ignorant to it all and go in as somewhat of a blank canvas.

I opted for choice # 2.

So while I do know the basics, i.e. DMT being the most intense psychedelic known to man and all of the information previously posted...that's about it. I know I've got a helluva lot of things that need resolving and I know Ayahuasca isn't subtle about the execution of that. I know I can expect a lot of cruel-to-be-kind-ness but more than anything I have hope. I really, truly do *hope* that this experience initiates at least some kind of change to the stagnant, repetitive, destructive and viciously wasteful behavior and thought patterns that have plagued me for a long, long time. Here's to hoping.

As for my expectations of actually being able to maintain this blog in the Amazon jungle? I'll admit - they're pretty slim but I do know there will be WiFi access at the retreat and despite having promised myself to cut myself off from the world completely while I'm there, I will be documenting my experience on the computer anyway. So if I can manage to quickly get some internet time to upload the words I wrote on my laptop and a few pictures, I'll be happy. Otherwise there will be no interaction with the outside word. No email. No websites. No phone. No checking comments. Literally just using the internet for a few minutes every (second) day so I can upload and share my experience with you.

...Alright, fuck it. And I'm scared - I'm petrified, in fact. Absolutely terrified beyond my wildest expectations. But within this intensely increasing storm of fear is a very unforecasted sense of calm; as if some part of me deep down inside knows I'm on the right path and this is something I not only have to do but need to do. The old cliche of "my whole life has lead up to this moment" kind of thing is perhaps a little too dramatic but not entirely irrelevant either. I suppose one just has to reach a certain cataclysmic point in ones' life to shake the very foundations and essence of the core (a real kick up the spiritual butt, as my friend Jenny so eloquently put it) in order for things to change.

I don't know what to expect. How I'll be. How it'll be. How they'll be. Cripes! I'm going to be in the AMAZON JUNGLE. But I am trying to maintain that this is and will be an amazing experience. It's not everyday I get to live in one of the Seven Wonders of the world for 10 days so I'm going to make the most out of it. I have no choice but to.